Sunday, April 6, 2008


I know I haven't mentioned going to the Doc's much the past little while. My Pod Doc that took such excellent care of my once really pretty feet, up and left for parts unknown. (No, really they were once a foot fetishist's dream...long and slender, fine boned with delicate ankles...nails covered with bright red nailpolish called "I'm not really a Waitress" (which I still wear...just not on my toenails anymore). Because the once lovely feet are also aflicted with the hateful Rheumatoid Arthritis, they are no longer a dream...good heavens, nightmare, now that might cover it. The first time I was told I had RA, and that the ankle bones in my left foot were mostly shot, I sat on my bed (carefully tucking my legs beneath me while I still could) and cried. The left ankle was already affected, swollen and ugly, while oddly the right foot was still absolutely untouched. I hadn't been able to wear proper shoes in ages. I tried, but it was a no go. So, I lined up all the beautiful shoes I have collected over the years, the gorgeous Italian high heeled Sandals in a lovely reddish brown leather, strappy and sexy, the lime green silk heels that I wore to my son's wedding...the black leather boots that hugged the calves of my legs like a lovers hands, the ugly steel toed boots I once wore with my uniform that were strong enough to save my life, but gawd ugly (and oddly comfortable.) I held the red satin pumps (oh yes, I love me some high heels...) with the wrap around my ankle and tie in the front satin straps and wept because not only could the swollen ankle not accomodate the lovely straps, but my balance was mostly gone due to the broken neck injury I have mostly recovered from. I cried because these shoes were only decorations now, decorating my closet mostly. I bagged them up to take to the dump, but couldn't quite make myself wallow in that much self pity, so I put them back in the closet in a box till I decide what to do with them. Yes, I was a whining ,whimpering mess who sat on her bed and cried over SHOES. I had been through so much what with heart surgery, paralysis, (when the doctors told me I'd never walk again, I laughed in their faces because I knew God would not have brought me this far to leave me lying on the ground. I knew it.) The night of the world's noisiest pity party was the night I saw a show about the young men and women who are returning from war with their arms and legs so sadly damaged and missing and some coming home in coffins that I knew...I'll never cry over anything so insignificant as a pair of shoes ever again.


Unknown said...

Im sorry :( Sometimes we lose things such as this and to some it may seem petty, but for those that suffer the loss, its truely not petty. I bet your shoes are lovely Sandi!

Unknown said...

Forgot to add that Miss Autumn Faith is doing well in the kingdom of my belly :)
OH AND the 2 dozen cupcakes I made on Friday are gone. Not even a crumbly little morsel left.
Let me know how you and the hubs like them...

Jan said...

Oh dear one, you weren't crying over your shoes, as I'm sure you know. You were suffering a loss and though you don't feel it was as deep a loss as those coming home from war have suffered, a loss nonetheless.


Vee said...

Yes, I think that you had every right to have a good cry, Sandi. I could weep myself whenever I see my mother's feet...also once beautiful and now swollen and twisted. Sigh. I could weep from fear that it will happen to me. I loved what you told Judy today...if He leads, you'll follow. That's good enough for me. There'll be rough patches ahead, but He's leading me and carrying me, too. He's doing the same for you.

Love you, Sandi...and slap some nail polish on the can't hurt!

Lee said...

Well, you know what, Sandi? After you finish having that good cry to which you are totally entitled, bag up those shoes and give them to some poor women who have no nice clothes and need shoes for job interviews. Then you call me and we will discuss ways for you to find something good about your feet or something else to love about yourself that will make you feel better. Oh, and don't forget to schedule a pedicure complete with foot massage. Even if you can't wear the heels you can treat your feet nice. :)

Thanks ever so much for reaching out and calling me this evening. I felt really comfortable and know we are going to be great friends!

Hugs, Love & Prayers for a good rest for you!


Mima said...

Oh Sandi, the shoes were just the final straw, and what tips us over the edge is often something that seems so silly, but is just the trigger to let go. It may well have been that you felt that you were in a safe place, had some privacy, and were feeling well enough to finally release some of the pent up emotion.

Every loss is felt, and for different reasons, you weren't just crying about the shoes, but also what they represent, a part of life that was now gone. Don't be so hard on yourself about crying, every release is good for you, whatever it is that starts it off. Be gentle to yourself, something that is easy to say, but hard to put into practice as I well know.

Lots of love

Seamus said...

Loss is loss and it matters not that we lose it to illness, accidents or war. Sometimes it is just hard to have about us the things that remind us of a time when we are whole, but I'm sure that your shoes have some fine memories attached as well.

smilnsigh said...

It's not "wrong" to get closure, with items we can no longer wear/use. It's not having a pity party or being ungrateful for blessings we do have or anything. It's a necessary part of moving on, with life.

So your cry over your lovely shoes, was a good thing, for you.

And seeing all the pain others have, is a good thing too, in that it helps us put things in perspective.

But none of that wisdom and perspective and all that, means we don't get to have our own form of closure with many things.

Gentle hugs,

Suldog said...

Sandi - Thanks so much for stopping by over at my place.

You read the story about my grandfather and the fish. His wife - my grandmother - had rheumatoid arthritis in her hands. The worst I've ever seen. The poor dear could hardly feed herself it was so crippling. These days, of course, there are such better pain medications, and other managed care practices.

As others have said, the cry was deserved.

Having said that, I don't know you that well yet, but now maybe you can concentrate on the other lovely things in your life? No matter what bad things we've had to deal with, there is always some bit of beauty we can hold onto and cherish, no?

I'll say a prayer for you. I hope it helps.

Akelamalu said...

Some sights just make you put things in perspective don't they? I have lots of shoes and some I will never wear again because the heels are too high after my knee replacement, but I do like to look at them and remember the lovely times I had when I wore them.

PAT said...

My sister has RA. I have osteo arthritis and count myself fortunate not to have RA. My aunt has RA and my mother didn't. Odd how it affects just certain ones of us in our family. I wonder if it is hereditary. Do you know?

I know what you mean about events and images putting things into perspective.

I no longer wear cute shoes, these days either, or rather those little strappy sandals. I am still able to wear polish, however.


Love Bears All Things said...

Thanks for visiting me today. Actually, it was an hour later when I got up. Don't know what is wrong with that clock on my blogger. I am definitely not a morning person although sometimes when I'm visiting here I do get up earlier. Sorry about your feet.
Mama Bear

Unknown said...

Great post Sandi. I think Jana said it well in her comment. A loss can be many things and it can hurt. Would love to see your pretty shoes.

Sam Fox said...

Ahh, Sandi. Letting go hurts. But it's brave. I did not know of your neck injury - I'm sorry. So, we have something else in common - we were both told we wouldn't walk again. You are a remarkable lady. xx

Hilary said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Sandi. I'm new to your blog (after reading your encouraging post on mine) and can already see that you have much depth. Of course it wasn't the shoes, but they symbolize so much. Thanks for sharing your inner thoughts. You're very brave.

Jodie Adams said...

Now that was a good message. Sometimes it takes seeing something like that to make us realize what we have and to be thankful for it. So what did you do with the shoes? You don't have a friend you could give them to so that you could at least see her enjoy them? Or maybe you could donate them somewhere that uses the money they make for a good cause. Just a thought.

Country Cottage Chic said...

There's nothing wrong with tears for something lost - they wash away the hurt & help the healing process.

Jeanne said...

I made the mistake in my young and foolish days of wearing shoes that were very unpractical. Two operations later for neuromas I learned to stick to comfort. Unfortunately my foot problems still plague me and now I'm battling fallen arches, a short tendon and heal spurs. Sore feet suck.

NeereAnDear said...

OH sweet Sandi ... I am right behind you on that one... since I broke the bones in my left foot and have a chronic sprain in my right ankel I go through the same problem... and all these beautiful shoes that I love are sitting in my closet ... and I get/got the upsets just like you... I think when anyone faces some type of is just that a loss ... it still hurts and your emotions over that loss are normal... think about it...



NeereAnDear said...

*ankle.... sorry


Merisi said...

I can only try to image how much giving up those shoes means to you, they are certainly more than footwear. Please do not dump them, try to find someone who may take immense joy with them. Maybe social services in your community or a church, even Craig's List may help you find someone who appreciates your gift.

windycorner said...

dear, dear Sandi - thanks for opening up your heart and sharing this little look in. The release and wisdom you gained at that moment is a gift to you and now you've passed it on to us. The shoes sound lovely, but they're nothing to the increase in grace.

david mcmahon said...

Broken neck injury?

Mainly recovered from?

Are you able to tell us more?

Anonymous said...

Sandi that was a sad,but beautiful post. I had no idea you had been through so much. I love shoes and glam so I can just feel the pain to have to get rid of something I have loved.Im so sorry sweetie .
I just want you to know if you didn't have arms and legs I would love you! Your heart is so special.

Susie Q said...

I am so sorry dear Sandi and yes, it IS okay that you cried, whimpered and fussed. For awhile. Then you are such a strong lady that I know you will get up and donate those shoes and move on.

I hate that you have any pain...for that *I* cry dear heart.

Now, I have never had pretty feet or legs or toes! I do try to keep them as nice as I can but they will never stop traffic. A clock maybe but traffic? Never.

Now *I* am depressed. *grin*

You are a special, special lady and I am blessed to know you.


Carol said...

Oh Sandi....I could cry for you...nothing like painful feet or foot! Keep the shoes...someone will be happy that you did. I will I had not thrown my shoes out from years ago...they would be the height of fashion now!!
You are right - of course - they is always someone who suffers more.

jillie said...

Oh how devastating that had to have been. I can relate on one note. I've had ankle surgery twice in the past 18 months and the last one was to reconstruct it. I too am fond of the shoes, stilettos and what not. I have about 20 pairs that I will never be able to wear again. I've been passing them onto friends, one pair at a time. My sister-in-law was just diagnosed with RA as well. She's a cardiovascular surgeon. I can't even imagine. But, she'll at least be able to teach when it gets too bad.

I wish you nothing but the best.

BTW...David sent me.


Lib said...

Hi Sandi,
I share your pain! I haven't been able to wear heels in yrs. had to go to a bigger shoe size etc.
Hope you're having a great week.

Christine Boles said...

Treat them like art and put them on shelves as display pieces!

San said...

Sandi, that is one fine post. Your loving, sensual descriptions of your beautiful shoes. Your completely understandable mourning of their uselessness to you. I'm about to cry too, just reading about it.

You may have some spent bones, my high-spirited friend, but you are one steel-nerved woman!

And BTW, where do you get that nail polish color?

Sandi McBride said...

The nail polish is made by O P I and is I'm Not Really a Waitress...I got it at my's a wowie!
I've had such wonderful ideas about what to do with my shoes...make a display (cool one in the bedroom?) donate them to ladies looking for employment who need nice shoes for show...and since I wear a size 7, a size 8 feels so good I wear a 9, my size is in demand. I'm gonna think on this...I promise. But I may make a display of those that certainly don't belong in the business setting, lol
I really love you guys
And todays post is in answer to David's question...


Anonymous said...

Hi sweet Sandi, hon we offer our shoulders across the pond to cry on :) That is perfectly understandable how you feel, perfectly!! We all cry for the wounded and the tragedy of war and certainly the reality of that keeps everything in perspective. We agree with Carol, keep them somewhere hon if you have the room! Just in a little place to visit once in a while, reminiscing and a little melancholy can be good thing sometimes :) You might regret giving them up! We bet you had some killer heels!!

Hugs hon, keep that humour and keep smiling !!
Gentle hugs,
Jenn and Jacqui xo

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