Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Wicked Witch of the Flea Market meets Snow Stupid

Okay, as everyone knows I am a lover of signs. I especially like the tacky little signs handpainted on old pieces of barndoor wood. The rattier the wood the better the sign. My all time favorite sign hangs in my kitchen. Next to my roosters. It is of course my "raising children is like being pecked to death by chickens" sign. And a truer statement was never made. I found this sign at a flea market some time ago and paid the grand sum of fifty cents for it, although I believe the old gentleman might have paid me to take it off his hands had I not been bent double with laughter and pointing it out to Mac who completely ignored my insanity and simply walked away from me. Another sign I found at the flea market is also on old wood...hewn fencepost, or I miss my guess. It reads "Dogs have Masters. Cats Have Staff". The wood is, well it's old wood colored...the dogs part is painted in some sort of blue...teal? The cats part is painted in, of course, gold. No, really, I think it may have been gold...they wanted ten dollars for it. Now, in comparison to my chickens sign, which I love not only for it's truth in backwoods folklore type witticism, it's no prettier...in fact it's rather plain except for the gold paint. I walked by it and admired it's truth in concept, not it's attractiveness. It had none. For this they wanted ten American dollars. I stopped. I picked it up. I held it in my hands and promptly got a splinter. I put it down to suck on my finger (that danged splinter hurt like 40 hells). Mac gave me the eye roll and started to walk away. The old lady behind the booth, whom I suspect drives a Beamer, says "you like that don't you?" It was said in one of those voices that if she had been a he I would have thought she was coming on to me. Well, she was coming on to my wallet. "I'll let you have it for nine dollars." The whisper had an oily texture, and a gypsy spell. Oh Lord help me, it was the old "I'll do you one better" game, and will I fall for it? Well, we shall see. I stopped and turned on my heel and walked back to where she was sitting half hidden from view. I looked for a microphone, because I wasn't sure how I had heard her unless she had been shouting. It hadn't sounded like a shout. It had sounded like a sultry whisper. I picked up the sign and, careful not to collect another splinter, looked it over again. The old woman stood up, leaning gingerly on an old cane she carried in her left hand. Heck, all she needed was a shawl over her head and an apple in her hand and she could have passed for the wicked old witch in Snow White. You know, the hag with the apple who was really the Wicked Queen. I looked at the wooden sign and smiled, thinking of those at home who actually knock on the door to be let in and out and expect the butler to be Johnny on the spot. "Seven dollars...it's an antique." She rubbed her hands together either in pain or expectation. The thing measured about 8 inches high by 5 inches wide and was about 2 inches thick. "Six dollars and your kitties will be so proud you thought of them." Her eyes were twinkling and I was becoming more and more enthralled with the little wooden piece of what I was beginning to think of as art. Art? I turned to look for Mac, and he was off playing with his friends and looking at the fishing poles. I looked back at the sweet little old lady and she was holding up 2 fingers. "A steal at twice the price." I found myself digging in my pockets for the two dollars I knew I would find there. It was as though I were in a trance as I handed over the well worn bills that had been riding cozily in my jeans pocket for just such an emergency . She thanked me and I swear I heard her cackle. I didn't put the little piece of wood into my shopping bag, but carried it gingerly over to where Mac was busy dickering with a man over a fishing pole. I was turning the hateful little block of wood over in my hands when I got another splinter. As I switched it to the other hand I looked up and Mac was standing there, shaking his head. He mouthed to me "I can't leave you alone for a minute." I made an impolite gesture towards him and when I looked down at this weapon of lass destruction, happened to see the little round piece of paper. It read "50 cents". Man, Barnum & Bailey were right. There's one born every minute.

24 comments:

Jeni said...

All I can add to that is a milder version of what my response would have been - "EGADS!"

Leanne said...

Ive just found your blog and its wonderful! this post made me grin broadly because that type od thing happens to me all the time!!

I'll definitely visit again!

Leanne in UK x

holly said...

oh i like you. very entertaining. :)

the "raising children..." is so true.

i also love the "coming on to my wallet" line.

nice. i'll be back ;)

Love Bears All Things said...

Loved this story! And there's nothing wrong with a size 13. I will probably always be a 14 dress, 16 jacket gal because of my frame. I have been known to get into a 10 slacks or jeans but I'd settle for the 12s hanging in my closet.
Thanks for your kind words.
Mama Bear

Vee ~ A Haven for Vee said...

Hahahahahaha, Sandi, you should be writing a humor column and getting paid. That was too funny!

LivingTheLife said...

That has me laughing so hard...I am just imagining the look on your face when you saw that sticker. Don't fret my pet...it's happened to all of us at one time or another! Too funny...by the way...does that sign still give you splinters???

Reminds me of an old wooden bowl we have...it was hubbins' grandmothers...a bowl that she made homemade biscuits in every morning of her life...a bowl that hubbins grandfather had crafted with his own two hands (he was a genius at woodworking) a bowl that my sweet hubbin loves and has many fond memories of...a bowl he has bragged to me about many times...a bowl that I turned over one day to see written..."made in China!"...uh huh...don't think I don't give him holy heck about that. It was really kind of sad...b/c all of these years he had it in his head that his grandfather had made that bowl...the imaginations of children!

Blessings...
Teresa

PAT said...

This story is absolutely hilarious...I love it...we've all been there, Sandi!

Pat

david mcmahon said...

Aye, but PT Barnum never got the added value of splinters!!!

Your posts always make me smile.

(Mac, you and I need to have a talk, mate!)

Tara said...

Hee-hee! This post was a hoot!

Jenn and Jacqui said...

Hi Sandi! Oh you are too funny, like Theresa says we have all been there and can relate absolutely! LOVE the title, it gave us a really good laugh this week for lots of reasons :) We are just back home for a lightning visit, back to the country again tomorrow. We really miss you too hon:) Can't blog properly at internet cafes, it is so frustrating ! Not to worry, keep well hon and we look forward to catching up with all your posts when we get back, you are and have always been the happiest and wittiest tonic in blogland. Thank you hon :) Jenn and Jacqui

joan said...

Sandi,

You crack me up as usual! I love the being peck by chickens sign. I gotta get me one of those. Your hubby sounds like he's too funny also. Have a good evening!

joan said...

Me again, I just seen your new photos of your cats on your sidebar and I can't leave without saying how cute they are. They are way too cute.

justabeachkat said...

Oh how I'd love to be close enough to be friends in "real life". I could listen to your stories all day. Great post.

Hugs!
Kat

Cowgirl said...

Hi Sandi,

Popped in here after reading your kind, caring message on my blog, and really glad I did - LOL! I too can never resist a flea market find - or an Ebay one, or SALE, or an "antique" shop or.....

Thanks again.

Cowgirl xx

For Love of Home said...

Sandi, this story is so funny! Just your luck to find the tag after paying. I think I would have had that one too though, cat's really know how to run the staff!

Brenda said...

hehe. each time you look at that sign you will remember that little lady. To funny.

Liz said...

Oh, Sandi, I am finally back, and to think what I have been missing, have laughed at this posting of yours until tears rolled down my face -yep -there is one born every day -so good to finally have myself together and can now concentrate on the things that matter.
Hugs from N.Z.
Liz

Mary said...

Sandi
As always you make me laugh! I've just had an embarrassing moment as the window cleaner has caught me in my pjs This is always happening as although I get up I often dont get showered and dressed till later as I find bits and pieces to do. Not a pretty sight as I hadn't even brushed the bed hair yet!!

Jodie Adams said...

You are too funny. I love your stories they always have an interesting twist. I hope you have a good weekend. Talk to you soon. Love ya!

Mima said...

Brilliant post, and I have such a clear image of that little old lady, what a character. I think we have all been had at one stage or another, and at least this was fairly harmless (except obviously for the splinters!!).

ancient one said...

Wow... I just found you... and I'm laughing... I'll be linking up... I'll be back.. ha ha

Sandy said...

Like all of your stories - very entertaining. Love the chicken sign ~ just might have to paint one of those and put it up in my house.
Have a fabulous week.
Blessings,
Sandy :)

bj said...

OOOO, Sandi..."been there...done that"!! many times, as a matter of fact! I'll swear "they" can see me coming!!
I, too, like signs..I did a posting not long ago of a few of my signs (Part 1)...I need to do a Part 2 now. I like ANYTHING graphic....old game boards, signs, numbers....
hugs, bj

Lin said...

After my own heart with your flea market scroungings. That is the one thing I miss terribly out here, being so far from any sort of resale.
As long as I am happy with a price, I guess I don't begrudge the mark-up of the person who found it first. Sounds like we have the same price thresholds, too!