Thursday, December 4, 2008

Gonna rope a deer

By now you all know that I am a bunny hugging, tree sitting, arm the animals type of person. I lay curses on deer hunters that use dogs and put that charm on so strong that long after deer season is over, the dogs are still shivering and refusing to leave their boxes. Their owners are having nightmares that mean they have to lay down in the afternoon and take a nap. I received this letter from a friend today and being that I love to share good news, I decided that I just had to share it with all my friends.

Roping A Deer - - - - - ( Names have been removed to protect the Stupid! )

Dear Family
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up (actually 3 of them) I picked out a likely looking one,then stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know that when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.
Y'all be good now, ya hear?

PS
I had planned on going duck hunting for Christmas but I'm still blind in my right eye and my trigger finger appears to be missing.



Now you know why I hate hunting...it's that part of the family that I try to avoid at all costs...

57 comments:

The Muse said...

No ropes...no dogs...
No way.

Pat@Back Porch Musings said...

Great post, Sandi!

Brenda said...

That was cute.I love little deer.

Tara said...

Haha, you have me cracking up!

Vee ~ A Haven for Vee said...

This reminded John of the time he and two friends tried to ring a bull. I'll spare you. :D

Have a great evening, Sandi!

Penny @ The Comforts of Home/Lavender Hill Studio said...

Yeah for the deer! I love deer...

Sally said...

He "crawled under the truck'. That is tooooo funny and had to be a man. Am I right? hahahaha made my night. I'm goin to bed now, and I'll probably have nightmares; thanks a lot Sandi!! :

Denise said...

We have deer all over our yard in the acres behind our house......... Those people need to keep their dogs and ropes and guns and whatever else away from my critters !

Love reading your delightful stories..

ancient one said...

Funny, funny, story!

Maggie May said...

Yes...... funny story. Felt sorry for the deer all the way through!
The moral of this story, if you didn't get it first time....... leave the sweet little deer alone!

justabeachkat said...

Oh.My.Word! What a lesson he learned!! Too funny!

Hugs!
Kat

Jeni said...

I would show this to my son-in-law except I don't think he reads anything that doesn't have car pictures and/or listings for auction for potential car parts. But Thursday morning, as he was fixing his morning cup of tea, he was also watching out the kitchen window as three deer were "frolicking" (his word there) in the back yard and he decided that come this morning, he was going to be ready and waiting for those deer and get his venison for this year from our backyard. However, I have no doubt that his thought patterns and the fact that he voiced that to me too reached the deer about 20 nano-seconds after they left him and come morning, those deer will be no where to be found!

david mcmahon said...

Holy-Moly, Sandi, what an amazing narrative. I didn't know deer would rear up/ You look after yourself, er, dear.

® ♫ The Brit ♪ ® said...

Why does man always have to spoil nature and all it's beauty?!
Wonderful post Sandi! and I hope the "hunter" was scarred for life! x

Lynn@ The Vintage Nest said...

"No hunting or trespassing allowed" anywhere near our property or our closest neighbors yet hunters come down our dirt road and veer off into the fields and pastures to hide and wait. Last Saturday I was working in my studio when I saw five deer coming tearing thru the backyard followed by a pack of dogs yapping like crazy. A ragged deer is not good to eat. It burned me up. I know deer can be very destructive and need to be thinned but "stay off my property". I have yet to see a dog yet that can read posted signs but their owners can.

Jan said...

I'm with you Sandi...no hunting allowed! Loved this story!!

windycorner said...

Oh Sandi, this is hilarious! Never underestimate the survival skills of a wild animal.
When my parents first moved to Hartwell it took a while to break the habits of local hunters. The old boys had been hunting that property for years. Now they have herds of deer in the pastures and woods.
Holley

Love Bears All Things said...

Someone getting what they deserve.
Mama Bear

Suldog said...

That's hilariously funny. Thanks for the good laugh!

Country Cottage Chic said...

Haha! Revenge of the deer!

Lib said...

Hi Sandi,
Great Post!
Have a wonderful wk.end!
Blessins',Lib

Akelamalu said...

LOL I love it when animals get revenge! :)

Dr.John said...

It seems to me that this sad tale should convince you the hunter needs a gun and a dog. How else can they protect my flowers?

Lee said...

Well, Sandi, considering that story was from a good friend of yours I hope you forgave him but I'd keep that curse ready just in case. Doesn't sound like he's quite over the idea that animals are to be killed and eaten.

Great story! Thanks so much for sharing it.

The trip to the Valley was fine till about half way it started misting which turned into rain as I got further south. Lunch was good and the music sharing has been nice too. Please keep praying that the rest of the weekend goes as well as it has so far.

Hugs!
Lee

granny grimble said...

That was a double pronged tale Sandi. One half had me spitting blood at the cruelty of animals being hunted for fun, and the other had me doubled up with laughter at the stupidity of the man and the cunning of the beast. What a great tale it was. Thank you, I did enjoy it.

Hairline Fracture said...

Oh my goodness! The person in the story sure got a beating from Bambi!

Mary Isabella and Kiley too! said...

I loved this so much. Have a great weekend...m.

Jeff B said...

That was a riot!

Ahhh, what a cute wittle deer...

Pondside said...

I think I've visited your blog before - and if I have, I don't understand why I've not come back. That was hilarious! I have a love-hate relationship with the deer in our hills - I love to look at them (even talk to them when no one's looking) but I hate it when they eat everything in sight - it's not like there's nothing in the miles and miles of woods around us.
I'll be back!

Theresa said...

Go Deer!! and a lesson well learned!

Veggie Mom said...

I was driving out in the country the other day, and saw a young deer. His Mom must've taught him the Rules of the Road. He stopped. I stopped. He seemed to look both ways, then he CAREFULLY crossed the street. If he'd been holding an adult's hand, he would have reminded me of the kids up the street at the elementary school!

Jamie Dawn said...

Ha, ha, tee, hee!
That deer biting like a pit bull also reminds me of the way shark bites and shake their victims.
:-)

I'm not into hunting at all, but it doesn't bother me that others are.
I couldn't shoot a deer. They are just too precious.

SandyCarlson said...

Oh, I enjoyed that. I loved the bit about cleverly arresting the deer's momentum.

French Fancy said...

Great story Sandi - we think as one person on the animal question

CatHerder said...

The extent of my shooting is target practice...no animals!! great post

Donna said...

That oughta' teach him!!Hahaa

CrazyCath said...

OMGosh I jjust wet myself!
Bwah hahahahaha

I am so with you on the hunting thing and yay for the deer. But that poor soul!!

Great post.

Sorry I am not around as much. Posting occasionally but on my newer blog - Cath's Cradle. Pop over sometime.

RBK's Realm said...

Oh my God -this was a brilliant! I hate hunting and frankly any kind of violence.

This post was hilarious!

Love your honest writing.

Moannie said...

That was so brilliant, I have tears in my eyes from laughing at the way that Deer got his own back on the 'nasty' hunter. Who'd have thought? It just goes to show that if hunters hunted without guns, but with a fair fist fight the deer would win hands down.
Chortle chortle.

The Texican said...

Hi Sandi. Just thought of this story yesterday while talking to some deer hunters here in South Texas. I picked up the cue to come and read your post from Authorblog. Good to see your name on the list. Funny story. Pappy

Lee said...

Congratulations on making David's list with this one. It surely deserved it.

Hugs!
Lee

Lehners in France said...

Once again a brilliant post Sandi! I have a bit of Bling to fling your way. Love Debs x

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

LOL! That was too funny. I loved that story.

Merisi said...

I was afraid the poor dear needed to be put down after that deer encounter. ;-)

Sandy said...

You are so funny! Another entertaining fabulous post!
Hope you have a wonderful week my friend.
Blessings,
Sandy

kari and kijsa said...

Teehee!! Too funny!!

blessings,
kari & kijsa

Pat - An Arkansas Stamper said...

Love it!

Sweetie said...

Hi Sandi,
Congratulations! You are the winner of my 100th post giveaway. Please e-mail your address to me ASAP and I will get your package in the mail.
Sweetie

cheshire wife said...

Wonderful story! It is so much easier to go to the supermarket.

lmerie said...

Oh that is so funny! And my husband hunts, but usually only at Thanksgiving. Not an avid hunter like some! We like deer meat, and only go for one a year. We live in an area that has had a problem with too large a population of deer. I am so against killing animals just to kill though! Oh, and no dogs!! no way!!

Travis said...

That was great! I'm not a fan of hunting either.

Thanks for cruising by my place today.

Susie Q said...

You are just what I needed this evening Sandi!!

Loved it!

Jules~ said...

Oh my goodness.....if I could stop laughing long enough to form a complete sentence on how funny this is......

Jay said...

I've read that before, but it was WELL worth reading again! I needed a laugh! LOL!

I do wonder though ... apparently, in some parts of the world people hunt deer with greyhounds. Now, it's true that greys are big, strong, fast dogs, but they are also a little wimpish about pain. And their skin tears very easily.

Maybe it's only people that deer treat this way? ROFL!

i beati said...

You're a winner girl - No retirement for you !!!

tlc illustration said...

heh. This is too funny (and somewhat deserved, I suppose :-)

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